Tag Archives: Biblical wisdom

Overlooking an Offense

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Solomon wrote, “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov 19:11). This verse highlights the importance of wisdom in mastering one’s emotions. It is okay to feel anger, as long as the emotion does not take control. Elsewhere, Solomon warns, “Do not be eager in your spirit to be angry, for anger resides in the heart of fools” (Eccl 7:9; cf. Jam 1:19-20). The Hebrew word for “discretion” (śēḵel) refers to insight, prudence, and discernment—the ability to assess a situation with objectivity rather than reacting emotionally. The phrase “slow to anger” (‘erek ‘appayim) describes a steady, controlled mental attitude, the ability to maintain poise under provocation. This is a mark of spiritual maturity. According to Kitchen “This does not necessarily mean that a man does not get angry. It means, rather, that he conceals that anger well (Prov 12:16) and responds calmly (Prov 15:1) until he can process the wrong that has been done to him.”[1] In several places the Bible reveals that God Himself is “slow to anger” (Ex 34:6; Neh 9:17; Psa 86:15; 145:8; Joel 2:13; Jon 4:2; Nah 1:3).

The second half of the verse states, “it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov 19:11b). The word “glory” (tiph’arah), according to HALOT, means “glory, splendor, and radiance.”[2] Kitchen states, “It can refer to a reputation, name, fame or renown. Retaliation is not the badge to wear. Rather, let us be known for being adorned by the beauty of forbearance and a longsuffering spirit (Eph 4:32; Col 3:13).”[3] This is a picture of a soul governed by God’s Word, as the believer chooses to overlook the offense given. Such restraint is not weakness but strength under control, reflecting the character of Christ. It reveals a heart that values unity, grace, and peace over personal vindication (Rom 12:18; Jam 3:17).

This principle of graciously overlooking an offense applies to every area of life—relationships, work, and daily interactions. In personal relationships, the believer who operates with a biblical mindset understands that most offenses are trivial and not worth the mental energy of anger or resentment. Christian integrity demands a biblical mindset, recognizing that reactionary behavior is a distraction from executing God’s plan. In marriage, friendships, and fellowship with other believers, mature love dismisses minor offenses, avoiding mental attitude sins such as bitterness, resentment, and vindictiveness. The same principle holds in the workplace. Professionalism requires composure and controlled speech in the face of criticism or injustice. Solomon wrote, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov 15:1). Ross notes, “More than merely gentle or soft, the idea seems to be conciliatory, i.e., an answer that restores good temper and reasonableness.”[4]

Overlooking an offense is a function of a mind calibrated to grace. God does not deal with us as our sins deserve but extends grace, patience, and mercy. As David wrote, “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities” (Psa 103:8-10). Jesus Christ, in His humanity, demonstrated this mental attitude when He forgave those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34). The believer is called to exhibit the same grace, as Scripture directs us to “Bear with one another, and forgive each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also” (Col 3:13). Those who live in reaction to others are easily manipulated by circumstances and emotions. But the believer who thinks and lives biblically recognizes that anger and retaliation are distractions from the spiritual life. Instead of reacting, they remain objective, maintain composure, and keep pressing forward in the spiritual life.

In summary, Proverbs 19:11 presents a portrait of spiritual maturity marked by discretion, emotional restraint, and gracious forbearance. The believer who is slow to anger and overlooks personal offenses reflects the character of God, who Himself is patient, merciful, and abounding in lovingkindness. This virtue is not a sign of weakness but of inner strength grounded in a biblical worldview and governed by divine wisdom. Rather than being ruled by momentary emotions or the urge to retaliate, the mature believer responds with grace, promoting peace and preserving unity. Such conduct honors the Lord, adorns the believer’s testimony, and serves as a powerful witness in a world prone to reaction and retribution. Let us then pursue discretion and glory, as we walk in step with the Spirit and demonstrate the love and patience of Christ to those around us.

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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[1] John A. Kitchen, Proverbs: A Mentor Commentary, Mentor Commentaries (Fearn, Ross-shire, Great Britain: Mentor, 2006), 419.

[2] Ludwig Koehler et al., The Hebrew and Aramaic Lexicon of the Old Testament (Leiden: E.J. Brill, 1994–2000), 1772.

[3] John A. Kitchen, Proverbs: A Mentor Commentary, 419.

[4] Allen P. Ross, “Proverbs,” in The Expositor’s Bible Commentary, vol. 5 (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1991), 992.

Guilty Before God

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All Are Guilty 3Biblically speaking, guilt implies one has acted contrary to God’s moral character and laws. Divine laws are a reflection of the righteousness of God. The righteousness of God may be defined as the intrinsic, immutable, moral perfection of God, from which He commands all things, in heaven and earth, and declares as good that which conforms to His righteousness and as evil that which deviates. God’s character is the basis upon which all just laws derive; either divine laws from God Himself or human laws which conform to His righteousness.[1] The Bible reveals “the LORD is righteous and He loves righteousness” (Psa 11:7). We’re informed that at a future time, “He is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples in His faithfulness” (Psa 96:13), and He will “judge the living and the dead” (2 Tim 4:1). The problem is that all humanity is corrupt, for “are all under sin” (Rom 3:9), and “there is none righteous, not even one” (Rom 3:10), for “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom 3:23). Sin may be defined as the breaking of God’s moral laws. John wrote, “Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness” (1 John 3:4). Sin is when we transgress God’s law and depart from His intended path. According to J. I. Packer, “Sin may be comprehensively defined as lack of conformity to the law of God in act, habit, attitude, outlook, disposition, motivation, and mode of existence.”[2] The motivation behind sin is self-interest. It means we set our wills against the will of God; that we desire our interests above His interests and are willing to act contrary to His directives. According to Augustus Strong, “the sinner makes self the center of his life, sets himself directly against God and constitutes his own interest the supreme motive and his own will the supreme rule.”[3] Samuel Harris notes four characteristics of sin, namely, “It is self-sufficiency, the opposite of Christian faith…It is self-will, the opposite of Christian submission…It is self-seeking, the opposite of Christian benevolence…It is self-righteousness, the opposite of Christian humility and reverence.”[4] Merrill F. Unger states:

“The underlying idea of sin is that of law and of a lawgiver. The lawgiver is God. Hence sin is everything in the disposition and purpose and conduct of God’s moral creatures that is contrary to the expressed will of God (Rom 3:20; 4:15; 7:7; Jam 4:12, 17). The sinfulness of sin lies in the fact that it is against God, even when the wrong we do is to others or ourselves (Gen 39:9; Psa 51:4).”[5]

As sinners before a holy and righteous God, we bear an objective guilt because we have violated His holy character and righteous demands. We are responsible to God for what we have, what we are, and what we do. We have Adam’s original sin, which has been imputed to our account (Rom 5:12-13; cf. 1 Cor 15:21-22), we are sinners by nature (Psa 51:5; Jer 17:9; Rom 7:14-25; 13:12-14), and we do sin personally (Prov 20:9; Eccl 7:20; Isa 59:2; 64:6; Jam 1:14-15). God holds us accountable for our sinfulness. Our guilt is based on what God says about us and not our subjective impressions of ourselves. J. C. Moyer states, “Guilt is both the legal and moral condition that results from breaking God’s law.”[6] Louis Berkhof adds, “Guilt is the state of deserving condemnation or of being liable to punishment for the violation of a law or a moral requirement. It expresses the relation which sin bears to justice or to the penalty of the law.”[7] C.W. Stenschke states:

“In biblical language and thought guilt and sin are closely related. While sin usually denotes an action of personal failure (in deed, word or thought), guilt is a legal term that denotes the state resulting from this action. Guilt is an objective fact and arises when God’s standards have not been met, when the creator’s claim on his creation is neglected or refused whether willfully or unintentionally.”[8]

Being guilty before God is a fact and not a feeling. It is based on the objective truth of God’s Word and not our subjective impressions or fluctuating emotions. Our emotions are a blessing from the Lord, but only when properly calibrated to the truth of His revelation, otherwise they can be an impediment to our relationship with Him.

Humanism rejects God and His revelation and places mankind at the center of morality and meaning. Francis Schaeffer explains humanism as “Man beginning from himself, with no knowledge except what he himself can discover and no standards outside of himself. In this view Man is the measure of all things, as the Enlightenment expressed it.”[9] But atheism creates a problem concerning moral absolutes, for if there is no God, then there is no moral absolute Law-giver; and if there is no moral absolute Law-giver, then there are no moral absolutes, and we are left to conclude that what is, is right, and any further discussion about right and wrong becomes nothing more than opinion.[10] Francis Schaeffer is correct when he states:

“If there is no absolute moral standard, then one cannot say in a final sense that anything is right or wrong. By absolute we mean that which always applies, that which provides a final or ultimate standard. There must be an absolute if there are to be morals, and there must be an absolute if there are to be real values. If there is no absolute beyond man’s ideas, then there is no final appeal to judge between individuals and groups whose moral judgments conflict. We are merely left with conflicting opinions.”[11]

ForgivenThose who reject God are left to create and impose arbitrary values on others, and the tyrants of the world are glad to bully and control others by means of strong arm tactics, whether social intimidation, economic coercion, or brute physical force. The only objective standard for measuring righteousness or guilt is set forth in God’s Word which defines reality. The Bible reveals God is “the Judge of all the earth” (Gen 18:25), and He “is a righteous judge” (Psa 7:11), and He “judges righteously” (Jer 11:20), and “will by no means leave the guilty unpunished” (Ex 34:7). Yet, the Bible also reveals God is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth” (Psa 86:15), and One “Who pardons all your iniquities” (Psa 103:3), when we come to Him in honesty and humility. And for those who come to Him in humility, who are like the tax collector, who “was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’” (Luke 18:13), will find Him to be merciful. For those of us who trust in Christ as Savior, we are blessed with “forgiveness of sins” (Eph 1:7; cf., Acts 10:43), the “gift of righteousness” (Rom 5:17; cf., 2 Cor 5:21; Phil 3:9), “eternal life” (John 10:28), and become “children of God” (John 1:12), with a promise that we will spend eternity in heaven with Him (John 14:1-3). J. Dwight Pentecost notes, “If you should be without Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you stand guilty before God because you are still in Adam’s race. Even though Christ bore that sin, it means nothing to you until you are related to Him by faith. The righteousness of Christ cannot be imputed to you unless you personally receive Jesus Christ as your Savior.”[12] If you have not yet trusted in Christ as your Savior, then I “beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God” (2 Cor 5:20).

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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[1] If there is no God, then there is no absolute standard for right and wrong and we are left with arbitrary laws based on manufactured values.

[2] J. I. Packer, Concise Theology: A Guide to Historic Christian Beliefs, 82.

[3] Augustus Hopkins Strong, Systematic Theology (Philadelphia: American Baptist Publication Society, 1907), 572.

[4] Samuel Harris, “The Christian Law of Self-Sacrifice,” Bibliotheca Sacra 18, no. 69 (1861): 149.

[5] Merrill F. Unger, et al, “Sin,” The New Unger’s Bible Dictionary, 1198.

[6] J. C. Moyer, “Guilt; Guilty,” ed. Geoffrey W Bromiley, The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia, Revised, 580.

[7] Louis Berkhof, Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans publishing co., 1938), 232.

[8] C. W. Stenschke, “Guilt,” in New Dictionary of Biblical Theology, ed. T. Desmond Alexander and Brian S. Rosner, electronic ed. (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2000), 529.

[9] Francis A. Schaeffer, A Christian Manifesto (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2005), 24.

[10] God does exist, as “The heavens are telling of the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands” (Psa 19:1). And though people may “suppress the truth in unrighteousness” (Rom 1:18), the reality is, “that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse” (Rom 1:19-20).

[11] Francis A. Schaeffer, How Should We Then Live?: The Rise and Decline of Western Thought and Culture, 50th L’Abri Anniversary Edition. (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2005), 145.

[12] J. Dwight Pentecost, Things Which Become Sound Doctrine (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 1996), 48.

Living in Babylon

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Daniel is one of my favorite characters in the Bible. His life and times are recorded in the Old Testament.[1] Daniel was born into a good family of noble birth in Judah (Dan 1:3-6). In his early years he witnessed the spiritual and moral decline of his country. Idolatry was rampant in Israel to such an extent that human sacrifice had become acceptable (Ezek 16:20-21). As a result of Judah’s spiritual decline, God brought judgment upon the nation through Nebuchadnezzar, a Babylonian king (Jer 25:8-9; Dan 1:1-2), who besieged Jerusalem in 605 B.C. and transported many captives to his homeland. Though Daniel was young—perhaps about sixteen— he was taken from his family and deported to Babylon where he lived for nearly seventy years under the administration of several kings (most notably Nebuchadnezzar, Belshazzar and Cyrus). While most Israelites were conforming to the influences of the pagan[2] culture around them, Daniel resisted. He was a rebel in the best sense of the word, for he walked with God while others bowed to idols. Daniel is recorded in Scripture as a righteous person (Ezek 14:14, 20); however, God allowed him to be taken captive, and this was because God had a plan for him to serve as a minister in Babylon.

Briton Riviere - Daniel in the Lions DenDaniel was a role model for other Jews living in captivity. Upon arrival in Babylon, Daniel and his friends were forced into a Chaldean reeducation program which was intended to assimilate them into the Babylonian culture. Where possible, Daniel submitted himself to his new culture by learning “the literature and language of the Chaldeans” (Dan 1:4), accepting a new name (Dan 1:7), and serving as a governmental administrator (Dan 1:17-21; 6:1-3). God expected Daniel to pray for the prosperity of the city where he lived, saying, “Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare” (Jer 29:7). If possible, God’s people were to get along with their temporary captors. “The exiles were to be peacemakers, not troublemakers, and they were to pray sincerely for their enemies (Matt 5:43–48; 1 Tim 2:1–3; Tit 3:1–2).”[3] However, there were times when Daniel would not go along with the values of his new culture. Specifically, Daniel refused to submit to Babylonian authority when it commanded him to violate God’s Word (Dan 1:8a), or to pray to a human as though he were a god (Dan 6:4-11). In the first act of refusal, Daniel wisely sought a diplomatic solution to his problem (Dan 1:8b-16), and in the second he simply defied the king—albeit respectfully—and trusted God to care for him (Dan 6:12-23).

Daniel’s life manifested biblical wisdom applied to everyday circumstances. Overall, his life was characterized by righteousness (Ezek 14:14, 20), diplomacy (Dan 1:6-16; 2:1-16), prayer (Dan 2:17-18; 6:10; 9:3-19), wisdom (Dan 1:17; 2:23), worship (Dan 2:20-22), excellence (Dan 6:3), faithfulness (Dan 6:1-10), and humility (Dan 9:4). We learn from Daniel that God allows faithful believers to experience difficulties in the Devil’s world, which often serve to grow the believer spiritually so that he/she might be a light to others. And, like Daniel living in Babylon, we realize this earth is not our final home, and we are to regard ourselves as “as aliens and strangers” living in a foreign land (1 Pet 2:11). As Christians, our citizenship is in heaven (Phil 3:20).

Open BibleSo, how do Christians overcome the demanding influences of a pagan culture and serve as lights to others? First, we must be in submission to God. Scripture tells us to “Submit to God” (Jam 4:7), and “present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship” (Rom 12:1). Being in submission to God means we desire the Lord’s will above all else. When this happens, God’s Word opens up to us (John 7:17). Second, we must replace a lifetime of human viewpoint thinking with God’s Word (Psa 1:2-3; 2 Tim 2:15; 3:16-17; 1 Pet 2:2; 2 Pet. 3:18). As Christians, we cannot live what we do not know, and learning God’s Word necessarily precedes living His will. A biblical worldview enables us to see our spiritual identity as children of God (Rom 8:15; Gal 4:1-5; Eph 1:3-6; 1 Pet 2:9-10), as saints (Acts 9:13; Rom 1:7; 8:27; 1 Cor 1:2; 6:1-2), and ambassadors of Jesus Christ (2 Cor 5:20) who have meaningful and eternal purposes in God. More so, biblically trained minds empower us to properly interpret the world in order to see it from the divine perspective. Cultural conformity is effectively resisted by believers who are “destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). This means Scripture saturates our Christian minds (Prov 3:5-6; Isa 26:3; Col 3:1), and we are not allowing our thoughts to be bogged down with the cares of this world (Matt 6:25-34). Mental discipline is necessary, for our psychological stability is often predicated on the biblical content and continuity of our thinking. Third, we must learn to be filled with the Holy Spirit (Eph 5:18), and to walk in dependence on the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:16, 25). Being filled with the Holy Spirit means being controlled by Him. It means we follow where He guides, and His guidance is always according to Scripture. Being filled with the Spirit does not mean we have more of the Spirit, but that Spirit has more of us, as we submit to His guidance. It means the Spirit is fulfilling in us all He desires. Fourth, we must learn to live by faith in God and His Word. Learning God’s Word becomes effective when mixed with our faith as we apply it to all aspects of our lives. Our faith is effective when God’s Word is more real than our experiences, feelings, or circumstances. The writer to the Hebrews states, “But my righteous one shall live by faith; and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him” (Heb 10:38), for “without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him” (Heb 11:6). Fifth, we must accept God’s trials that help us grow. God uses trials to strengthen our faith and develop us spiritually. Often, we don’t like hardship, but we must learn to accept it as necessary. For the Lord uses it to burn away the dross of our weak character and to refine those golden qualities consistent with His character. The growing believer learns to praise God for the trials, knowing He uses them to advance us spiritually (Psa 119:71; Rom 5:3-5; 2 Cor 12:7-10; Heb 12:11; Jam 1:2-4; 1 Pet 4:12-13). Sixth, we must restore fellowship with God through confession of personal sin. As Christians, when we sin, we break fellowship with God and grieve and/or quench the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:30; 1 Th 5:19). Fellowship is restored when we simply confess our sin to God and trust that He forgives us as He promises (1 John 1:5-9). Seventh, we must maintain fellowship with other believers. Scripture teaches, “let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near” (Heb 10:24-25). Spiritual growth does not happen in isolation, as God expects us to exercise our spiritual gifts for the benefit of others (see Acts 2:42; Rom 12:10-13; 14:19; Eph 4:32; Phil 2:3-4; 1 Th 5:11-15). Eighth, we must serve others. We are part of the body of Christ and God calls us to love and serve each other. Peter states, “As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God” (1 Pet 4:10).  Lastly, we must be wise stewards of the time and opportunities God provides us to advance spiritually. Paul writes, “Be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil” (Eph 5:15-16). The believer does not reach spiritual maturity overnight, and since we have only a measure of time allotted to us by God (Psa 139:16), we must make sure our days are not wasted on meaningless pursuits, but on learning God’s Word and living His will. (Eph 5:15-17; cf. Heb 5:12; 1 Pet 1:17; 4:1-2).

As Christians, we will face ongoing worldly distractions in our lives which are designed by Satan to prevent spiritual growth. We have choices to make on a daily basis, for only we can choose to allow these distractions to stand between us and the Lord. As Christians, we experience our greatest blessings when we reach spiritual maturity and utilize the rich resources God has provided for us. However, learning takes time, as ignorance gives way to the light of God’s revelation. Frustration is often the handmaiden of ignorance, but spiritual success comes with knowledge of God and His Word.

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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[1] English translations of the Bible place Daniel among the prophets, and there is good cause for this, since Daniel received direct revelation from God and was called a prophet by Jesus (Matt 24:15).  Daniel is also listed among the prophets in the Septuagint (the Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament).  However, the Hebrew Bible—called the Tanakh, an acronym for the Torah (Law), Nebi’im (Prophets), and Kethuvim (Writings)—places Daniel among the Writings (Psalms, Proverbs, Job, etc.).  It’s possible that the book of Daniel was listed under the Writings in the Hebrew Bible because his words and life modeled the wisdom one needed to live successfully in a pagan culture.

[2] I use the term “pagan” to refer to any value system that is contrary to God and His word.  Unfortunately, pagan values are often the norm, permeating every aspect of society including education, politics, law, art, literature, music, and so on.  To stand against paganism is not merely to resist the final forms it takes within a culture, but to see those forms as derivatives of a worldly system that is set against God and to resist the very value system upon which those forms are predicated.

[3] Warren W. Wiersbe, Be Decisive, “Be” Commentary Series (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1996), 124.

Characteristics of a Controlling Personality

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Generally, controlling people are self-absorbed and insensitive toward others. They push to get their own way and manipulate circumstances and people to achieve their own agendas. They care mainly about themselves and see others as a means to an end. When feeling threatened, they may resort to unethical behavior to destroy their opponents. They do not understand or appreciate freedom and grace. 

Controlling PersonControlling others involves breaking them down, destroying their self-worth, and degrading them psychologically and emotionally, sometimes even resorting to social and physical abuse. In many cases, controlling individuals lack the capacity to enjoy a mature, loving relationship because their thoughts are consumed with self, and they do not know how to love sacrificially for the benefit of others. They do not know how to love graciously, freely, with an open hand, expecting nothing in return. They give only to get. They may use the word “love,” but it’s only as a means to an end, to serve their own selfish programs and not the well-being of others. People are seen as objects to be manipulated, not individuals to be loved.

These are my observations as I’ve dealt with controlling people over the years. A controlling person can be male or female, religious or irreligious, old or young, rich or poor, educated or uneducated, and belong to any ethnic group. A controlling person may fit some or all of characteristics below. I’ve modified the list a few times, and may make corrections in the future. 

  1. The controlling personalities operate primarily from a base of power, not reason. This first point is very important to understand, for what follows is based on it. Often, we don’t understand the reasoning behind controlling persons’ behavior, when in fact, there is no consistent reason, because reason is not the base of operations; power is. Reason is employed as it benefits them and advances their power. Remember: rational words only work with rational minds, and the controlling personality is not always rational.
  2. Controlling people often like positions of authority (politician, professor, doctor, CEO, pastor, etc.). Being in control of others makes them feel important, powerful, and secure (authority is legitimate, but arrogant people abuse their authority and hurt the innocent). The problem with arrogant people is that they rarely see their own faults, but only the faults of others. Their hubris prevents them from being open to genuine discussion about change. Humble people do not abuse their positions of authority, but see themselves as servant-leaders, open to discussion, correction, and willing to make sacrifices for others (Phil 2:3-4).
  3. Controlling people often will try to destroy your confidence through subtle criticisms that keep you on the defensive, making you feel self-conscious all the time and walking on eggshells. The gradual chipping away at your self-esteem leaves you deflated, feeling insignificant, and eventually makes you feel like you have no value at all (criticism can be valid if it is followed with loving correction that builds the other person up). Scripture teaches we are to encourage one another (1 Th 5:11, 14; Heb 3:13) and build each other up (Rom 14:19), but controlling people prefer only destructive criticism.
  4. Controlling people will sometimes recruit others to help coerce or control you. Sometimes these other people are unsuspecting participants and may not know they are being used to cause harm.[1]
  5. Controlling people will sometimes use your past, or even your weaknesses, against you. This is unfortunate because in any relationship there must be trust, and this means sharing things about your past and perhaps areas where you may struggle. Controlling people will exploit these areas to their own advantage, either to keep you in their grip or to assassinate your character with others.
  6. Controlling individuals, such as bosses, may use ignoring or avoiding tactics to push others away or drive them to quit. By deliberately disregarding attempts to communicate or completely avoiding interactions, they create a sense of frustration and helplessness in their targets. This intentional neglect can make the affected person feel undervalued or insignificant, leading them to withdraw or abandon their efforts. These strategies not only reinforce the controller’s dominance but also manipulate the victim into conforming to their desired outcome, whether it’s stepping back from a relationship, a project, or a specific action.
  7. If threatened, controlling people will at times seek to cut off your friends (isolate you) or try to discredit or destroy your reputation in order to keep you under their controlling influence. The general rule is: what they cannot control, they will seek to destroy (psychologically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in some cases physically).
  8. Controlling people are often concerned with their own appearance and with the appearance of those within their grip. This helps them try to control the perception of others beyond their grasp (it’s good to be well dressed, but the emphasis should be on loving character more than appearance).
  9. Controlling people sometimes want to associate with important individuals because this adds to their own image of importance. Relationships are a means to an end, and this should always be kept in mind (sometimes we will know socially important people, but it’s wrong to flaunt our relationships with them for personal gain).
  10. Controlling people will rarely admit they are wrong, even when evidence is provided. This is important because arguing becomes an exercise in futility and frustration (humble individuals will readily admit their faults and be open to loving correction).
  11. Controlling people rarely change (since this requires humility), so it’s better to quietly leave the relationship if possible (especially if you’re in danger of harm). When leaving a controlling relationship, don’t worry about explaining yourself, as they will most likely not understand your words or actions. They will not be happy with your choice, but they’re not happy anyway, so you might as well be free from the controlling influence and seek a more mature relationship.

Broken ChainsThose who have suffered prolonged exposure to controlling people can lose self-confidence and personal joy unless they learn and develop strong coping skills. If good coping skills are developed, those who have suffered can grow and become better rather than bitter. The pursuit of God, wisdom, and good friends can lead to healing, but this takes time. If possible, it’s best to avoid controlling people altogether; however, don’t be rude if/when you encounter them. The Apostle Paul said, “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom 12:17-18). Be the better person. Treat them with grace and love, even though they do not show it to you. Seek to grow and be more than what they are to you. For coping skills, please see the related articles below. 

Dr. Steven R. Cook

Related Articles:

  1. The Gospel Explained
  2. Twelve Ways to Deal with a Bad Boss  
  3. Free Grace Salvation
  4. Let God Repay Those Who Hurt You  
  5. Alexander the Coppersmith – Dealing With Hurt  
  6. Biblical Self-Talk  
  7. Commitment Love  
  8. Two Kinds of Forgiveness with People  
  9. A Primer on the Doctrine of Separation  
  10. The Characteristics of a Christian Leader 
  11. What Does it Mean to Be a Man? 
  12. Why Believers Show No Grace  
  13. The Value of Suffering  
  14. Mature Christian Love  
  15. Commitment Love
  16. Bible Promises that Strengthen our Faith  
  17. Dealing with Fools  
  18. Choosing Righteous Friends  
  19. Choose a Christian Spouse  
  20. Love your Enemies  

[1] This happened to me back in 2002 when I was pastoring a Southern Baptist Church in Central Texas. The head deacon was disturbed that I did not perform traditional altar calls at the end of the church service (they are not biblical) and argued with me for hours, trying to force me to comply (it was a very unpleasant experience). When I politely refused, he quietly and quickly spread lies within the congregation and engaged in character assassination. After winning over many unsuspecting church members, he inspired a coup d’etat, and within a few days I was unjustly and forcefully voted out of the church. The control-freak won and the church lost its pastor and a third of the members walked out of the morning service. I was deeply hurt by the matter and still bear scars. Over the years I’ve had other—less traumatic—experiences with controlling church leaders. 

Biblical Wisdom

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The proverbs of Solomon the son of David, king of Israel: to know wisdom and instruction, to discern the sayings of understanding, to receive instruction in wise behavior, righteousness, justice and equity; to give prudence to the naive, to the youth knowledge and discretion, a wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel, to understand a proverb and a figure, the words of the wise and their riddles. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:1-7)

       According to verses 2-6 we see a five-fold purpose for Proverbs: 1) “to know wisdom and instruction,” 2) “to discern the sayings of understanding,” 3) “to receive instruction in wise behavior, righteousness, justice and equity,” 4) “to give prudence to the naïve,” and 5) “to understand a proverb and a figure, the words of the wise and their riddles.”

     The Hebrew word hokmah (translated “wisdom” in verse 2) appears forty-five times in the book of Proverbs and is the common theme of the book.  In a general sense, wisdom is the knowledge necessary to perform a task successfully.  Overall, the book of Proverbs is a compilation of wise sayings which provide the necessary instruction for making good choices in life.  The book of Proverbs belongs to that group of biblical literature classified as wisdom writings; and the didactic nature of Proverbs made it useful for parents who wanted to instruct their children, as well as teachers who wanted to instruct their students.  A proverb is a concise and pithy statement that summarizes an experience or compares two things; thus capturing a principle that benefits one throughout his life.  Often it is teaching by analogy. 

       In verse 7 Solomon tells his readers that “the fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; [whereas] fools despise wisdom and instruction.”  In this antithetical parallelism, Solomon contrasts the healthy humble minded person who fears the LORD with the arrogant person who shuns Him. The attitude of the heart determines how a person responds to God’s revelation. The person who fears God respects His authority and responds properly to His word. The fool is the one who is devoid of God’s word, or rejects it after hearing it.

       The Bible contrasts divine wisdom which comes from God, and worldly wisdom which ultimately comes from Satan (James 3:15-17).  Divine wisdom is the knowledge necessary to perform a task in conformity to His standards and values.  Examples of divine wisdom include:

  1. Artistic wisdom: The ability to create works of art (e.g. the artisans who created the garments for Levitical priests as well as the articles of worship in the Jewish Temple, Ex. 28:3; 31:2-5; 1 Ki. 7:14).
  2. Academic wisdom: The ability to learn about God’s world (e.g. zoology, biology, botany, etc.) and write books (e.g. Solomon’s proverbs and songs, 1 Ki. 4:29-34).
  3. Judicial wisdom: The ability to decide legal matters for God’s people (e.g. Judges, Solomon, etc. 1 Ki. 16:28).
  4. Military wisdom: The ability to defeat God’s enemies (e.g. Joshua, David; Prov. 20:18; 21:22; 24:6).
  5. Governing wisdom: The ability to leads God’s people into His will (e.g. Joseph, Moses, Nehemiah, Church Elders, etc.).
  6. Serving wisdom: The ability to meet the needs of others (e.g. Deacons, Acts 6:3).
  7. Teaching wisdom: The ability to communicate clearly God’s Word to others (e.g. Moses, Paul, etc., Col. 1:9).
  8. Spiritual wisdom: The ability to live God’s will in accordance with His Word.

       Worldly wisdom is the knowledge required to live in Satan’s fallen world, has the appearance of real wisdom, but is actually deceptive and seeks to ensnare people in Satan’s schemes (Ex. 7:11; Col. 2:23; Jas. 3:14-15).  Those who are called wise in a worldly sense are actually fools by God’s estimation.  The majority of people in this world operate according to worldly wisdom and live their lives outside of God’s will.

       Examples of worldly wise men include the magicians of Pharaoh’s court who were demonically enabled to replicate some of the miracles performed by Moses (Ex. 7:11), and Nebuchadnezzar’s counselors who claimed to be able to interpret dreams and have spiritual insight into his future (Dan. 2:12-18).  The apostle Paul spoke out against worldly judgments which have “the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence” (Col. 2:23); and James admonished his readers to be on guard against “bitter jealousy and selfish ambition” which is a wisdom that “does not come down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic” (Jam. 3:14-15).  In the end, worldly wisdom is always Satan-serving; whereas divine wisdom is always God-serving. 

       We do well to know that it is possible to lose wisdom and become a fool.  We know that even Lucifer was once wise, for the prophet Ezekiel tells us that he had “the seal of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty” (Ezek. 28:12).  Ezekiel goes on to say that Lucifer’s “heart was lifted up” because of his beauty and his wisdom became corrupted by reason of his splendor (Ezek. 28:17).  From within himself Satan’s wisdom was turned to foolishness.  Through Isaiah the prophet, God gives us a glimpse into Satan’s mind, and tells us what he was thinking in his heart.  At the time of his foolishness Satan declared:

“I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God, and I will sit on the mount of assembly in the recesses of the north. ‘I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.” (Isa. 14:13-14)

       Lucifer’s pride caused his fall.  He created his kingdom of darkness when he sinned, and through temptation he brought down to death the first humans when he convinced them to turn from God and follow his advice (Gen. 3:1-8).  Now all men are born into this world of darkness, into Satan’s kingdom, born in Adam, born in sin.  The minds of all men are darkened by the sin nature and have a propensity toward foolishness.  Even after regeneration, men’s minds are not suddenly wise, but still dark from all the world’s philosophies.  Two things must happen before a saved person can have God’s wisdom: 1) he must learn to fear the Lord, and 2) he must discipline his mind to seek truth.  The fear of the Lord and seeking truth go together like two sides of a coin.

       The fear of the Lord is to acknowledge Him as Lord and His right to rule over our lives and to respond with obedience.  Solomon declares that we are to “fear God and keep His commandments” (Eccl. 12:13).  The fear of the Lord is that healthy reverence the believer has for God, knowing that He is the Sovereign Lord of the universe, and that as His creature we do well to submit to Him. 

       To seek truth means we apply our minds to know God’s word, and once we know it, to apply His truth to every area of our lives.  Jesus declared “the man who hears my words and does them shall be compared to a wise man who built his house upon the rock” (Matt. 7:24).  Here, Jesus tells us the wise man is the one who hears His words and does them.  There is order here, for one cannot live what he does not know, and knowledge of God’s word must precede application to life. 

       Jesus, as our role-model, spent His entire life learning and living by His Father’s teaching.  Luke tells us that Jesus, as a child, “continued to grow and become strong, increasing in wisdom” (Luke 2:40).  Messiah, speaking in Isaiah 50:4 states, “He awakens Me morning by morning, He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple.”  Jesus woke each morning to give His ear to the Father’s instruction.  Mark tells us in his Gospel, “In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there” (Mark 1:35).  It is healthy to fear the Lord and seek His instruction for every area of our life.

     God’s greatest expression of wisdom is the cross of Christ.  To those who hold to worldly wisdom, “the word of the cross is foolishness” (1 Cor. 1:18).  To those who are saved, the cross of Christ is “the power of God and the wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:24).  Divine wisdom always leads one to God through the cross of Christ.  Any so-called wisdom that does not lead one ultimately to the cross of Christ is pseudo-wisdom.  God has rejected the world’s wisdom, and the world has rejected His. 

       One knows he has found wisdom when he has found the Lord; for true wisdom exists only in relation to Him.  One knows he is growing in wisdom when he fears the Lord, respecting His authority and doing the things that are pleasing in His sight.  The believer is benefited  and God is honored, when His word is understood and obeyed on a regular basis. 

       The wise believer knows his place in God’s creation; that he is the creature, and God is the Creator, and there is submission one to the Other.  The fool is the one who blurs the creator/creature distinction, and sets his will against the will of God.  The fool is devoid of God’s wisdom, and his words and actions reveal his darkened heart.  On the other hand, the wise man learns God’s word that he may live His will, and this too is revealed through his words and actions. 

       Lastly, the wise believer seeks to incorporate God’s word into every area of his life, and does not compartmentalize, leaving some areas to self.  Wisdom gives order and purpose to life, and affords one the knowledge necessary to make good choices.  The wise believer is able to understand the world around him, and knows why things are the way they are, and why people behave the way they do.   Wisdom gives one hope for the future, because Christ is coming back, and He will reign in righteousness and truth (Rev. 20:1-6). 

Below are forty Scriptural truths regarding biblical wisdom:

  1. The Lord possesses and operates by His wisdom (Ps. 104:24; Prov. 3:19; Jer. 10:12).
  2. Wisdom comes from the Lord (1 Kings 3:12; Prov. 2:6; Dan. 2:21; Jas. 1:5).
  3. God’s wisdom is found in Scripture (Ps. 19:7; 119:98; Jer. 8:9; 2 Tim. 3:15).
  4. Jesus, while in hypostatic union, had to learn wisdom day by day (Lu. 2:40, 52; Isa. 50:4).
  5. Wisdom is better than riches (Prov. 8:11; 16:16).
  6. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Ps. 111:10; Prov. 1:7; 9:10).
  7. Wisdom resides first in what we think, then in what we say and do (Ps. 51:6; Col. 4:5).
  8. The humble receive wisdom (Prov. 11:2).
  9. Wisdom can be communicated by speech or writing (1 Ki. 11:41; Prov. 15:7; 1 Cor. 2:6-8, 13).
  10. The one who loves his soul seeks wisdom (Prov. 19:8; 24:14).
  11. Wisdom is pleasant to the soul (Prov. 2:10).
  12. Wisdom is better than strength (Eccl. 9:14-16).
  13. A wise man accepts reproof and instruction (Prov. 9:8-9; 10:8).
  14. The wise man has persuasive speech (Prov. 16:23).
  15. The wise man boasts of the Lord (Jer. 9:23-24).
  16. The wise man accepts Jesus as his savior (1 Cor. 1:18-31).
  17. Christ is the wisdom and power of God (1 Cor. 1:24).
  18. The wise man walks in righteousness (Hos. 14:9).
  19. The wise man hears and acts on the words of Christ (Matt. 7:24).
  20. The wise man engages in good deeds done in gentleness (Jas. 3:13).
  21. The wise man controls his temper (Prov. 29:11).
  22. The wise person avoids intoxication (Prov. 20:1).
  23. Military victory comes by wise guidance (Prov. 20:18; 21:22; 24:6).
  24. Wise men hang-out together (Prov. 13:20; 15:31).
  25. The wise decide judicial matters (Ezra 7:25; 1 Cor. 6:1-7).
  26. The woman of excellence speaks wisdom (Prov. 31:26).
  27. The wise parent disciplines his child (Prov. 29:15).
  28. A wise child is better than a foolish ruler (Eccl. 4:13).
  29. The wise child accepts his parents discipline (Prov. 13:1).
  30. A wise son makes his father and mother happy (Prov. 23:15, 24; 27:11; 29:3).
  31. Wisdom helps a man understand his culture (Eccl. 1:13).
  32. Wisdom helps the believer discern the future (Deut. 32:29).
  33. One does not have to be old to be wise (Dan. 1:4; Matt. 11:25).
  34. Wisdom leads one away from evil (Prov. 3:7; 14:16).
  35. The wise man learns from nature and others (Prov. 6:5; 24:30-34).
  36. An accepted bribe blinds the eyes of the wise (Deut. 16:19).
  37. The wisdom of the world is foolishness (1 Cor. 3:19).
  38. The fool is the one who rejects and despises wisdom (Prov. 1:7; 23:9).
  39. The rod of suffering belongs to the one who lacks wisdom (Prov. 10:13; 14:3).
  40. There is a worldly/demonic wisdom (Ex. 7:11; Col. 2:23; Jas. 3:14-15).

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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