loss of self-confidence - Thinking on Scripture

Generally, controlling people are self-absorbed and insensitive toward others. They push to get their own way and manipulate circumstances and people to achieve their own agendas. They care mainly about themselves and see others as a means to an end. When feeling threatened, they may resort to unethical behavior to destroy their opponents. They do not understand or appreciate freedom and grace.

Controlling others involves breaking them down, destroying their self-worth, and degrading them psychologically and emotionally, sometimes even resorting to social and physical abuse. In many cases, controlling individuals lack the capacity to enjoy a mature, loving relationship because their thoughts are consumed with self, and they do not know how to love sacrificially for the benefit of others. They do not know how to love graciously, freely, with an open hand, expecting nothing in return. They give only to get. They may use the word “love,” but it’s only as a means to an end, to serve their own selfish programs and not the well-being of others. People are seen as objects to be manipulated, not individuals to be loved.

These are my observations as I’ve dealt with controlling people over the years. A controlling person can be male or female, religious or irreligious, old or young, rich or poor, educated or uneducated, and belong to any ethnic group. A controlling person may fit some or all of characteristics below. I’ve modified the list a few times, and may make corrections in the future.

The controlling personalities operate primarily from a base of power, not reason. This first point is very important to understand, for what follows is based on it. Often, we don’t understand the reasoning behind controlling persons’ behavior, when in fact, there is no consistent reason, because reason is not the base of operations; power is. Reason is employed as it benefits them and advances their power. Remember: rational words only work with rational minds, and the controlling personality is not always rational.
Controlling people often like positions of authority (politician, professor, doctor, CEO, pastor, etc.). Being in control of others makes them feel important, powerful, and secure (authority is legitimate, but arrogant people abuse their authority and hurt the innocent). The problem with arrogant people is that they rarely see their own faults, but only the faults of others. Their hubris prevents them from being open to genuine discussion about change. Humble people do not abuse their positions of authority, but see themselves as servant-leaders, open to discussion, correction, and willing to make sacrifices for others (Phil 2:3-4).
Controlling people often will try to destroy your confidence through subtle criticisms that keep you on the defensive, making you feel self-conscious all the time and walking on eggshells. The gradual chipping away at your self-esteem leaves you deflated, feeling insignificant, and eventually makes you feel like you have no value at all (criticism can be valid if it is followed with loving correction that builds the other person up). Scripture teaches we are to encourage one another (1 Th 5:11, 14; Heb 3:13) and build each other up (Rom 14:19), but controlling people prefer only destructive criticism.
Controlling people will sometimes recruit others to help coerce or control you. Sometimes these other people are unsuspecting participants and may not know they are being used to cause harm.[1]
Controlling people will sometimes use your past, or even your weaknesses, against you. This is unfortunate because in any relationship there must be trust, and this means sharing things about your past and perhaps areas where you may struggle. Controlling people will exploit these areas to their own advantage, either to keep you in their grip or to assassinate your character with others.
Controlling individuals, such as bosses, may use ignoring or avoiding tactics to push others away or drive them to quit. By deliberately disregarding attempts to communicate or completely avoiding interactions, they create a sense of frustration and helplessness in their targets. This intentional neglect can make the affected person feel undervalued or insignificant, leading them to withdraw or abandon their efforts. These strategies not only reinforce the controller’s dominance but also manipulate the victim into conforming to their desired outcome, whether it’s stepping back from a relationship, a project, or a specific action.
If threatened, controlling people will at times seek to cut off your friends (isolate you) or try to discredit or destroy your reputation in order to keep you under their controlling influence. The general rule is: what they cannot control, they will seek to destroy (psychologically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in some cases physically).
Controlling people are often concerned with their own appearance and with the appearance of those within their grip. This helps them try to control the perception of others beyond their grasp (it’s good to be well dressed, but the emphasis should be on loving character more than appearance).
Controlling people sometimes want to associate with important individuals because this adds to their own image of importance. Relationships are a means to an end, and this should always be kept in mind (sometimes we will know socially important people, but it’s wrong to flaunt our relationships with them for personal gain).
Controlling people will rarely admit they are wrong, even when evidence is provided. This is important because arguing becomes an exercise in futility and frustration (humble individuals will readily admit their faults and be open to loving correction).
Controlling people rarely change (since this requires humility), so it’s better to quietly leave the relationship if possible (especially if you’re in danger of harm). When leaving a controlling relationship, don’t worry about explaining yourself, as they will most likely not understand your words or actions. They will not be happy with your choice, but they’re not happy anyway, so you might as well be free from the controlling influence and seek a more mature relationship.

Those who have suffered prolonged exposure to controlling people can lose self-confidence and personal joy unless they learn and develop strong coping skills. If good coping skills are developed, those who have suffered can grow and become better rather than bitter. The pursuit of God, wisdom, and good friends can lead to healing, but this takes time. If possible, it’s best to avoid controlling people altogether; however, don’t be rude if/when you encounter them. The Apostle Paul said, “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom 12:17-18). Be the better person. Treat them with grace and love, even though they do not show it to you. Seek to grow and be more than what they are to you. For coping skills, please see the related articles below.

Dr. Steven R. Cook

Related Articles:

[1] This happened to me back in 2002 when I was pastoring a Southern Baptist Church in Central Texas. The head deacon was disturbed that I did not perform traditional altar calls at the end of the church service (they are not biblical) and argued with me for hours, trying to force me to comply (it was a very unpleasant experience). When I politely refused, he quietly and quickly spread lies within the congregation and engaged in character assassination. After winning over many unsuspecting church members, he inspired a coup d’etat, and within a few days I was unjustly and forcefully voted out of the church. The control-freak won and the church lost its pastor and a third of the members walked out of the morning service. I was deeply hurt by the matter and still bear scars. Over the years I’ve had other—less traumatic—experiences with controlling church leaders.

Thinking on Scripture

Thinking on Scripture with Dr. Steven R. Cook

Tag Archives: loss of self-confidence

Share this:

Like this: