Tag Archives: Encouragement

Support for Ministry

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Since 1990, I have followed the rhythm of working a full-time “tent-making” job while devoting my available hours to volunteer ministry. Like Paul, who labored with his hands making tents to provide for his needs (Acts 18:3), I work as a full-time Case Manager for a local nonprofit to meet my daily obligations, devoting my mornings, evenings, and weekends to studying, writing, and sharing biblical truth. Like Paul, this arrangement allows me to minister freely without placing a financial burden on anyone (Acts 20:33-34). At the same time, I know from Scripture that it is entirely biblical for God’s servants to receive support, for “the one who is taught the word is to share all good things with the one who teaches him” (Gal 6:6). While I often work with my own hands, I also gratefully receive help when the Lord moves others to give financially, just as Paul accepted such provision as a genuine expression of partnership in the gospel (Phil 4:14-16).

The example of Jesus and His disciples demonstrates that those engaged in full-time ministry are biblically supported by the generosity of believers. Luke records that certain women, having been blessed by the Lord, traveled with Him and His disciples, and “were contributing to their support out of their private means” (Luke 8:1-3). Such financial gifts functioned as personal investments in the work of the ministry. In the same way, gifts given toward a teaching ministry today meet practical needs while also representing active participation in the gospel mission. As in Paul’s partnership with the Philippians “in the matter of giving and receiving” (Phil 4:15), such support reflects faith in action and is a cause for thanksgiving to God.

Support for ministry takes many forms, including prayer, encouragement, and material provision. Prayer remains essential, as Paul urged, “Brethren, pray for us” (2 Th 3:1), demonstrating the spiritual strength that comes from intercession. Encouragement, likewise, fulfills the biblical mandate to “encourage one another and build up one another” (1 Th 5:11), often renewing the resolve of those in service. Material provision meets immediate needs but also yields spiritual fruit for the giver, as Paul explained: “Not that I seek the gift itself, but I seek for the profit which increases to your account” (Phil 4:17). God promises that “the generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered” (Prov 11:25), and that He will not forget “your work and the love which you have shown toward His name” (Heb 6:10). Scripture affirms that “he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully… for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor 9:6-7), and that “He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness” (2 Cor 9:10). According to Ryrie, “God will supply the generous giver with enough to meet his own needs and enough to give for every good deed. Acts of giving bring rewards in this life and the one to come. The generous giver will be given increasing means to give (multiply your seed for sowing) and increasing fruit.”[1]

Bivocational ministry exemplifies the reality that gospel work is a shared endeavor. When believers pray, encourage, or give, they actively participate in the mission, becoming partners in the eternal fruit produced through the proclamation of God’s Word. Paul described such partnership as “a fragrant aroma, an acceptable sacrifice, well-pleasing to God” (Phil 4:18), accompanied by the assurance that “My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:19). Gospel partnership unites those who go, those who give, and those who pray in the common purpose of making Christ known and glorifying Him through the wise stewardship of time, energy, and resources entrusted by God.

Steven R. Cook, D.Min., M.Div.

If this article has enriched your understanding and walk with Christ, and you feel led to support my ministry, your generosity is greatly appreciated. Your gifts enable me to continue sharing the gospel of grace and providing in-depth biblical teachings. Thank you for partnering with me in this mission.

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[1] Charles Caldwell Ryrie, Ryrie Study Bible: New American Standard Bible, 1995 Update, Expanded ed. (Chicago: Moody Press, 1995), 1857.

 

The Power of Encouragement: Lessons From the Life of Barnabas

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There are several believers in the Bible I admire in one way or another, but none more than Barnabas. I admire him because his life is marked by faith, grace, and because he was an encourager to other believers. Faith, grace, and encouragement. That resonates with me.

We first hear about Barnabas in the book of Acts where we learn his name was “Joseph, a Levite of Cyprian birth, who was also called Barnabas by the apostles” (Acts 4:36a). Luke informs us that Joseph was also known as Barnabas (his nickname), which means “Son of Encouragement” (Acts 4:36b).[1] To be a son of something meant that one was characterized by the quality of the word that follows. In this case, the quality is that of encouragement, which translates the Greek noun παράκλησις paraklesis, which denotes “emboldening another in belief or course of action, encouragement, exhortation…[the] lifting of another’s spirits.”[2]

No doubt, Barnabas’ life reflected what He saw and experienced in his relationship with God. In Scripture, we learn that God the Father is described as “the God of all grace” (1 Pet 5:10), Who sits upon a “throne of grace” (Heb 4:16), Who “gives grace to the afflicted” (Prov 3:34), and provides salvation “by grace” through faith in Jesus (Eph 2:8-9; cf. Acts 15:11; Rom 3:24). Jesus is said to be “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14), and the Holy Spirit is called “the Spirit of grace” (Heb 10:29). Grace (χάρις charis) is undeserved favor. It is the love, mercy, or kindness that one person freely confers upon another who deserves the opposite (Matt 5:44-45; Rom 11:6; Eph 1:6; 2:1-9; 2 Tim 1:9; Tit 3:5-7). And there is nothing more powerful or encouraging than God’s grace to warm and motivate His people to action. For what flows down from God to his children, when received with an open heart, will find natural outward expression to others, who will “encourage one another and build up one another” (1 Th 5:11a), and will “encourage one another day after day” (Heb 3:13a). I believe Barnabas was one who drank deeply from the well of God’s grace and goodness, and being blessed and encouraged by the Lord, was motivated to do the same to others.

Woman Offering ForgivenessBarnabas’ first act on encouragement was witnessed in his willingness to give of his own resources for the benefit of others; specifically, we are told he “owned a tract of land, sold it and brought the money and laid it at the apostles’ feet” (Acts 4:37). Barnabas was a man of financial means as he owned land, perhaps on the island of Cyprus. Being a man of grace, he sold his property and gave it to the apostles to be used for ministry purposes. The sale of private property was not a common practice among Christians, which is what set Barnabas apart and made him an exceptional person. If such behavior had been practiced by all, there would have been no need to focus on Barnabas and his gracious act. It is a truth of Scripture that God’s blesses believers who are gracious in giving, for “He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness” (2 Cor 9:10). And Scripture also reveals these openhanded believers will be rewarded by the Lord in eternity (1 Cor 3:10-15).

Later, in Acts, we’re told that the church at Jerusalem sent Barnabas to Antioch (Acts 11:22), and “when he arrived and witnessed the grace of God” (Acts 11:23a)—there’s that grace again!—he “rejoiced and began to encourage them all with resolute heart to remain true to the Lord” (Acts 11:23b). Here, the word encourage translates the Greek verb παρακαλέω parakaleo, which means to “call to one’s side.”[3] The picture is that of one person who comes alongside others and encourages them to accomplish a task or finish a race. In this case, it meant encouraging these Christians to press on and do God’s will. Encouraging other believers “to remain true to the Lord” is what healthy encouragement looks like.

Helping the Poor 3We also learn from other biblical passages that Barnabas was pivotal to the growth of the early church. For example, it was Barnabas who supported Paul shortly after his conversion, even though others had reservations about him (Acts 9:27). It was Barnabas who bridged the relationship between the church in Jerusalem and the church in Antioch (Acts 11:22). It was Barnabas who partnered with Paul and formed a teaching ministry in Antioch that lasted for a year (Acts 11:25-26). It was Barnabas—along with Paul—who was entrusted to deliver a financial donation to suffering Christians in Judea (Acts 11:27-30). It was Barnabas who helped launch the first significant missionary journey into the Gentile world (Acts 13:1-4). It was Barnabas who helped resolve the first major theological issue facing the church (Acts 15:1-25). It was Barnabas who supported Mark, his cousin (Col 4:10), even after Mark had failed to complete a missionary journey (Acts 15:37-38). Unfortunately, Barnabas’ support of Mark resulted in a major conflict with Paul that resulted in their breaking fellowship for a while (Acts 15:39-41). However, from later biblical passages we know that Barnabas and Paul—men who were both known for their grace and love—reconciled their differences and were reunited in fellowship and ministry (1 Cor 9:6; Gal 2:9).

Overall, Barnabas was noted as being an encourager (Acts 4:36; 11:23), who sacrificed his own resources to be a blessing to others (Acts 4:37). He was called “a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and of faith” (Acts 11:24), and one—along with Paul—who “risked” his life “for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Acts 15:26). Barnabas was not without his flaws; however, he possessed the qualities one would like to see in a Christian leader, as he sought to build the Christian community by means grace, love, and solid biblical instruction. Churches and Christians need people like Barnabas, who will stand with them, give them wise counsel, and encourage them in their walk with the Lord.

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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[1] The name Barnabas, as it appears in Hebrew (ברנבו), actually means son of a prophet. The question among some Bible scholars is how this could translate as Son of Encouragement? I think Paul helps us here when he spoke to prophets at the church of Corinth, saying, “For you can all prophesy one by one, so that all may learn and all may be encouraged” (1 Cor 14:31). The idea is that a prophet of the Lord would function as one who encouraged others to walk with the Lord and remain faithful to Him.

[2] William Arndt et al., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000), 766.

[3] Ibid., 764.

Being the Good Boss

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Good BossGood character is never automatic but is consciously developed over many years through right learning and living amidst trials, storms, and conflicts. It is an inescapable truth that strong character—like a strong body—is forged through training and testing. As the adage goes, “No pain, no gain.” If we are willing, we can view life’s trials as opportunities to make us better rather than bitter. We can voluntarily submit ourselves to the furnace of affliction, which burns away the dross of weak character and cultivates those golden qualities that reflect the highest and best in humanity. Over time, we may even learn to smile at the storm, knowing the One who sends it and trusting that it comes with a purpose—one that includes developing the good character that could not mature by any other means.

But there are other forces at work in the world—other value systems that are harmful and may lead me down destructive paths. Any dead fish can float downstream with the current, but it takes someone who is alive and strong to swim against it. I want to be that person. I want to be the kind of person who desires to walk with God daily and who helps and encourages others to do the same. God has granted me the privilege of leadership in my marriage, in Bible class, and as a supervisor at work. I take these responsibilities very seriously because I understand that who I am and how I live influences the thoughts and actions of others. The following is a list of good character qualities I aspire to cultivate, though it is by no means exhaustive. I see a good leader as one who:

  1. Submits to God. “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” (Jam 4:7). ”I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship” (Rom 12:1).
  2. Resists conformity to the world. “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect” (Rom 12:2).
  3. Lives by Faith. “But My righteous one will live by faith; and if he draws back, I have no pleasure in him” (Heb 10:38). “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him” (Heb 11:6).
  4. Possesses integrity. God said of king David, “So he shepherded them according to the integrity of his heart, and guided them with his skillful hands” (Psa 78:72). “He who walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out” (Prov 10:9). Having integrity means a person is not artificial, but is genuine in character, honest in speech and faithful to promises.
  5. Does not slander others. “The Lord states, ‘You shall not bear a false report; do not join your hand with a wicked man to be a malicious witness’” (Ex 23:1; cf. Psa 15:3; Pro 11:3; Tit 2:7-8).
  6. Associates with wise persons and listens to their counsel. “He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Prov 13:20). “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel. (Prov 12:15).
  7. Governs wisely. “By me [wisdom] kings reign, and rulers decree justice. By me princes rule, and nobles, all who judge rightly” (Prov 8:15-16).
  8. Does not befriend immoral persons. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!” (Psa 1:1). “I do not sit with deceitful men, nor will I go with pretenders” (Psa 26:4).
  9. Prays often. “With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints” (Eph 6:18). “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Th 5:16-18).
  10. Brings stability to those under his/her care. “The king gives stability to the land by justice, but a man who takes bribes overthrows it” (Prov 29:4).
  11. Cares about justice. “You shall do no injustice in judgment; you shall not be partial to the poor nor defer to the great, but you are to judge your neighbor fairly” (Lev 19:15). “He has told you what is good and what it is the LORD requires of you: to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God” (Mic 6:8).
  12. Searches to find the facts of a matter before rendering judgment. “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him. (Prov 18:13). “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter” (Prov 25:2).
  13. Preserves the rights of others by clear thinking. “It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine, or for rulers to desire strong drink, for they will drink and forget what is decreed, and pervert the rights of all the afflicted” (Prov 31:4-5).
  14. Educates and delegates responsibility to trusted persons. Moses’ father-in-law, Jethro, told him, “select out of all the people able men who fear God, men of truth, those who hate dishonest gain; and you shall place these over them as leaders of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties and of tens. Let them judge the people at all times; and let it be that every major dispute they will bring to you, but every minor dispute they themselves will judge. So it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you” (Ex 18:21-22).
  15. Is compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forgiving and loving. “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity” (Col 3:12-14) “I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love” (Eph 4:1-2).
  16. Looks out for the interests of others. “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil 2:3-4).
  17. Encourages and builds others up. “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for building someone up according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4:29). “Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing” (1 Th 5:11).
  18. Pursues peace rather than strife. “Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it” (Psa 34:14). “So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another” (Rom 14:19).
  19. Recognizes his/her authority and uses it to serve others, not to tear them down. “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matt 20:25-28; cf. John 13:1-17).
  20. Rebukes wickedness. “He who says to the wicked, ‘You are righteous,’ peoples will curse him, nations will abhor him; but to those who rebuke the wicked will be delight, and a good blessing will come upon them” (Pro 24:24-25). “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Th 5:14).
  21. Is slow to anger. “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city” (Pro 16:32). “He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding” (Prov 17:27; cf. 15:18; 19:11; 29:11).
  22. Is not argumentative. “The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth” (2 Tim 2:24-25).
  23. Uses wise and gracious words. “The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice” (Psa 37:30).  “Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him” (Eccl 10:12), and “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person” (Col 4:6).

On a day-to-day basis, good leaders listen to their team, stand up for them, trust them, and refrain from micromanaging every aspect of their work. They communicate clearly, consistently, and collaboratively. They seek advice, listen to concerns, and consult their team on the best solutions for success. They set high expectations and encourage others to strive for excellence, operating according to agency standards and reaching for new heights. They also care about the well-being of their team outside of work, promoting good physical, social, and mental health.

Good leaders can be tough when necessary. They live in reality and understand that some individuals may not respond positively to their leadership. In such cases, they may need to use their authority to reprimand or even terminate staff; however, this is always a last resort, employed only after all other positive strategies have been exhausted. Ultimately, a good leader lives sacrificially for the benefit of others, always desiring the success of their team as well as the success of the agency.

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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Twelve Ways to Deal with a Bad Boss

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The Bible does not directly address the subject of bosses and employees; therefore, much of what is set forth in this article is an extrapolation of truths related to good and bad leaders, whether kings, princes, governors, or any who are in positions of authority. Some points are also drawn from the practical wisdom of everyday life.

I write this article as a Christian who has spent the vast majority of my life in the secular workforce (since 1983), which is primarily governed by worldly philosophies and values rather than according to God’s Word. The challenge for me as a Christian, whether as an employee or supervisor, has been the daily application of Scripture with my coworkers. Where Scripture is silent on a work-related issue, I seek the Lord in prayer, as well as the counsel of godly persons who can help me work through the matter. Before I provide some biblical coping mechanisms, I’d like to take a moment to briefly describe some of the differences between a good and bad boss.

Characteristics of a Good Boss

Woman Offering Forgiveness

A good boss has integrity (Psa 78:72). This means he is not artificial but is genuine in character, honest in speech, and faithful to his promises. David writes of the man with integrity and describes him as one who “works righteousness and speaks truth in his heart” (Psa 15:2). Furthermore, he “does not slander with his tongue, nor does evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend” (Psa 15:3; cf. Prov 11:3; Tit 2:7-8). He studies God’s Word (Psa 1:2; 119:1), does not associate with people of low moral character (Psa 1:1; 26:4), prays often (Psa 4:1; 17:6), seeks to govern wisely (Prov 8:15-16), listens to wise counsel (Prov 11:14; 15:22; 24:6), and brings stability to those under his care (Prov 29:4). He associates with honest and gracious persons (Prov 22:11), searches to find the facts of a matter (Prov 25:2; cf. 18:13), preserves the rights of others through clear thinking (Prov 31:4-5), and educates and delegates responsibility to trusted persons (Ex 18:13-26). He is selfless, humble, gentle, patient, compassionate, kind, and truly appreciates others (Eph 4:1-2; Phi 2:3-4; Col 3:12). He encourages and builds others up (Eph 4:29; 1 Th 5:11), and pursues peace rather than strife (Rom 14:19). He recognizes his authority and uses it to serve others, not to tear them down (Matt 20:25-28; John 13:1-17). He may, at times, criticize bad behavior (1 Th 5:14), but this is done to make the other person better, because he sincerely desires their success (Prov 9:8; Isa 1:17). He is slow to anger (Prov 15:18; 16:32; 17:27; 19:11; 29:11), uses wise and gracious words (Psa 37:30; Prov 16:21; Eccl 10:12; Col 4:6), is not argumentative (2 Tim 2:24-26), cares about justice (Lev 19:15; Mic 6:8), and the needs of the poor, orphans, and widows in the community (Isa 1:17; cf. Ex 22:22; Deut 10:18; 15:11; 24:17-22; Prov 14:21).

On a day-to-day basis, he is one who will listen to you, stand up for you, trust you, and not micromanage every aspect of your work. He communicates clearly, constantly, and in a collaborative manner. He seeks your advice, listens to your concerns, and consults you on the best solutions for success. He sets high expectations and encourages you to be the best you can be, operating according to agency standards, and striving for new heights of excellence. He also cares about your life outside of work and wants you to have good physical, social, and mental health. Lastly, the good boss can be tough when needed. He lives in reality and knows there are some who will not respond to his leadership, and he may be required to use his authority to reprimand and/or terminate staff; however, this is always his last recourse if all other positive strategies have failed.

Characteristics of a Bad Boss

A bad boss refuses to listen to God and His Word (Ex 5:2), is concerned about himself rather than others (1 Ki 12:1-15), oppresses his staff (Prov 28:15-16), listens to lies (Prov 29:12), abuses his authority (Mark 10:42), does not follow the guidance he gives (Matt 23:2-3), places heavy burdens on others but doesn’t offer to help (Ex 5:6-19; Matt 23:4; cf. Prov 29:2), oppresses the helpless for personal gain (Prov 14:31; 22:16), likes to be noticed by others and to sit in places of honor (Matt 23:5-7), and may outwardly appear righteous but is dishonest (Matt 23:28).

Bad BossThe bad boss can be threatening, unpredictable, hostile, and irrational. He generally feels insecure and does not like the thought of being out of control. This leads to a totalitarian style of leadership, which hinders optimal performance and makes staff feel undervalued. The bad boss is arrogant, and arrogant people rarely see their own faults; only the faults of others. He generally lacks the ability to introspect and does not care that others are damaged by his leadership. Once the bad boss does not like you, almost anything you say or do, no matter how great, will be viewed critically and devalued. He seeks to tear you down, only to defeat and destroy you. He cares little about you or your growth or success. He communicates very little or provides misleading information, is hostile, and will criticize you on a personal level rather than discuss your work. Sometimes the bad boss won’t fire you; rather, he’ll work to make your environment so toxic that you’ll get frustrated and leave.

The advantage of suffering under a bad boss is that you’ll have a clear picture of how NOT to behave if/when you ever become a boss to others. It can also teach you coping skills you’d otherwise never develop. Just like going to the gym builds muscle, so enduring difficult people can develop our character if we learn the right coping skills and consistently employ them.

Twelve Ways to Deal with a Bad Boss

Suffering under a bad boss can be a real challenge, especially when I feel trapped with no way out. Often I pray about my difficult situation, but I realize what God does not remove (as I desire), He intends for me to deal with. Below are some biblical coping mechanisms that help me deal with a bad boss and still be successful on the job. These are as follows:

  1. Live by faith. The Christian life starts and ends with faith, which provides stability for the soul during difficult times. God said, “My righteous one shall live by faith” (Heb 10:38a). This means we trust God at His Word, claiming His promises and obeying His directives. Scripture teaches us to “walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor 5:7) and to “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Pro 3:5-6). As believers, we “trust in Him at all times” (Psa 62:8a) because “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psa 46:1).
  2. Know that God is for you. God desires our best and works all circumstances for our good, to teach us and develop our character. Paul wrote, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom 8:28). We also know “God is for us” (Rom 8:31), strengthening us in trials.
  3. Make sure your character and work are excellent. As Christians, we are to live an excellent life and work hard. Paul wrote, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might” (Eccl 9:10a), and “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men” (Col 3:23; cf. 1 Th 4:10-11).
  4. Don’t give yourself over to complaining. It’s easy to start complaining when under attack, especially if we feel it’s unjust. However, we must be careful because once we start down this road, it becomes increasingly difficult to turn back, and complaining does not solve problems. Scripture tells us, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing” (Phil 2:14) and “Be hospitable to one another without complaint” (1 Pet 4:9). Complaining fixes nothing. Faith in God and His Word is the answer.
  5. Pray for those in leadership. We should always be praying for leaders in positions of authority. Paul wrote, “I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, for kings and all who are in authority, so that we may lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity” (1 Tim 2:1-2). Praying for leadership is an act of faith and obedience to God, even though a leader may be unjust.
  6. Submit to authority. We should be willing to submit to those in authority and follow orders. We are instructed “to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good deed, to malign no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing every consideration for all men” (Tit 3:1-2). This, again, is a faith response. An exception to obedience is when that authority seeks to lead us outside God’s will; in such cases, we must resist (Acts 5:27-29).
  7. Respect leadership, even when the leadership is unreasonable. Respecting leadership can be challenging, especially when we realize those in positions of leadership may not operate according to the same ethical standards that guide us. It helps to understand that respect does not mean approval. Peter wrote, “Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly” (1 Pet 2:18-19).
  8. Realize that God sometimes uses difficulties to develop our character. Paul wrote, “We exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Rom 5:3-5). James wrote, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing” (Jam 1:2-4). God sometimes places us in the furnace of affliction to burn away the dross of weak character and to refine the golden qualities He wants to see in us. And whenever He turns up the heat, He never takes His hand off the thermostat.
  9. Avoid trouble when possible. God’s Word directs us to make good choices, and sometimes this means being wise by avoiding unethical and harmful people. Solomon wrote, “A shrewd person sees danger and hides himself, but the naïve keep right on going and suffer for it” (Prov 22:3). It is valid, when possible, to avoid the attacks of abusive leaders. David twice fled when Saul tried to kill him with a spear (1 Sam 18:11; 19:10) and refused to retaliate, even when he had the opportunity (1 Sam 24:4-6). Obadiah hid one hundred prophets of the Lord from the hostile attacks of Ahab and Jezebel (1 Ki 18:1-4). Jehosheba hid Joash from the attacks of Athaliah, “So he was hidden with her in the house of the LORD six years, while Athaliah was reigning over the land” (2 Ki 11:3). Twice, it is recorded that Jesus “hid Himself” from some of the hostile Jewish leadership who wanted to kill Him (John 8:59; 12:36).
  10. Defend yourself against wrongful attacks when necessary. Some leaders are very abusive, and there may be times when legal action is required as a means of self-protection. The apostle Paul used legal force against his attackers by exercising his rights as a Roman citizen to protect himself from a flogging that might have killed him (Acts 22:25-29). On another occasion, he appealed to Caesar, the highest court in the land, because he felt he was not getting a fair trial (Acts 25:7-12).
  11. Let God deal out retribution. It is valid for Christians to operate from a place of justice, but never revenge. Scripture states, “Do not say, ‘I will repay evil;’ wait for the LORD, and He will save you” (Prov 20:22). It also says, “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God” (Rom 12:17-19a). Additionally, it is written, “See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people” (1 Th 5:15). Peter wrote, “All of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Pet 3:8-9).
  12. Take time to rest and play. God’s Word tells us, “One hand full of rest is better than two fists full of labor and striving after wind” (Eccl 4:6). Taking time to care for yourself is very important, as it’s easy to let the pressures of work and life overwhelm you. Even Jesus, during His earthly ministry, found time to get away by Himself to rest and pray. Matthew wrote, “After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone” (Matt 14:23). Additionally, “Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray” (Luke 5:16), and “He went off to the mountain to pray, and He spent the whole night in prayer to God” (Luke 6:12). Making time for rest is a necessity for those who work hard. Lewis Sperry Chafer wrote, “It is a serious thing to remove the element of relaxation and play from any life. We cannot be normal physically, mentally, or spiritually if we neglect the vital factor in human life. God has provided that our joy shall be full” (Lewis S. Chafer, He That Is Spiritual, p. 61).

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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Characteristics of a Controlling Personality

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Generally, controlling people are self-absorbed and insensitive toward others. They push to get their own way and manipulate circumstances and people to achieve their own agendas. They care mainly about themselves and see others as a means to an end. When feeling threatened, they may resort to unethical behavior to destroy their opponents. They do not understand or appreciate freedom and grace. 

Controlling PersonControlling others involves breaking them down, destroying their self-worth, and degrading them psychologically and emotionally, sometimes even resorting to social and physical abuse. In many cases, controlling individuals lack the capacity to enjoy a mature, loving relationship because their thoughts are consumed with self, and they do not know how to love sacrificially for the benefit of others. They do not know how to love graciously, freely, with an open hand, expecting nothing in return. They give only to get. They may use the word “love,” but it’s only as a means to an end, to serve their own selfish programs and not the well-being of others. People are seen as objects to be manipulated, not individuals to be loved.

These are my observations as I’ve dealt with controlling people over the years. A controlling person can be male or female, religious or irreligious, old or young, rich or poor, educated or uneducated, and belong to any ethnic group. A controlling person may fit some or all of characteristics below. I’ve modified the list a few times, and may make corrections in the future. 

  1. The controlling personalities operate primarily from a base of power, not reason. This first point is very important to understand, for what follows is based on it. Often, we don’t understand the reasoning behind controlling persons’ behavior, when in fact, there is no consistent reason, because reason is not the base of operations; power is. Reason is employed as it benefits them and advances their power. Remember: rational words only work with rational minds, and the controlling personality is not always rational.
  2. Controlling people often like positions of authority (politician, professor, doctor, CEO, pastor, etc.). Being in control of others makes them feel important, powerful, and secure (authority is legitimate, but arrogant people abuse their authority and hurt the innocent). The problem with arrogant people is that they rarely see their own faults, but only the faults of others. Their hubris prevents them from being open to genuine discussion about change. Humble people do not abuse their positions of authority, but see themselves as servant-leaders, open to discussion, correction, and willing to make sacrifices for others (Phil 2:3-4).
  3. Controlling people often will try to destroy your confidence through subtle criticisms that keep you on the defensive, making you feel self-conscious all the time and walking on eggshells. The gradual chipping away at your self-esteem leaves you deflated, feeling insignificant, and eventually makes you feel like you have no value at all (criticism can be valid if it is followed with loving correction that builds the other person up). Scripture teaches we are to encourage one another (1 Th 5:11, 14; Heb 3:13) and build each other up (Rom 14:19), but controlling people prefer only destructive criticism.
  4. Controlling people will sometimes recruit others to help coerce or control you. Sometimes these other people are unsuspecting participants and may not know they are being used to cause harm.[1]
  5. Controlling people will sometimes use your past, or even your weaknesses, against you. This is unfortunate because in any relationship there must be trust, and this means sharing things about your past and perhaps areas where you may struggle. Controlling people will exploit these areas to their own advantage, either to keep you in their grip or to assassinate your character with others.
  6. Controlling individuals, such as bosses, may use ignoring or avoiding tactics to push others away or drive them to quit. By deliberately disregarding attempts to communicate or completely avoiding interactions, they create a sense of frustration and helplessness in their targets. This intentional neglect can make the affected person feel undervalued or insignificant, leading them to withdraw or abandon their efforts. These strategies not only reinforce the controller’s dominance but also manipulate the victim into conforming to their desired outcome, whether it’s stepping back from a relationship, a project, or a specific action.
  7. If threatened, controlling people will at times seek to cut off your friends (isolate you) or try to discredit or destroy your reputation in order to keep you under their controlling influence. The general rule is: what they cannot control, they will seek to destroy (psychologically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in some cases physically).
  8. Controlling people are often concerned with their own appearance and with the appearance of those within their grip. This helps them try to control the perception of others beyond their grasp (it’s good to be well dressed, but the emphasis should be on loving character more than appearance).
  9. Controlling people sometimes want to associate with important individuals because this adds to their own image of importance. Relationships are a means to an end, and this should always be kept in mind (sometimes we will know socially important people, but it’s wrong to flaunt our relationships with them for personal gain).
  10. Controlling people will rarely admit they are wrong, even when evidence is provided. This is important because arguing becomes an exercise in futility and frustration (humble individuals will readily admit their faults and be open to loving correction).
  11. Controlling people rarely change (since this requires humility), so it’s better to quietly leave the relationship if possible (especially if you’re in danger of harm). When leaving a controlling relationship, don’t worry about explaining yourself, as they will most likely not understand your words or actions. They will not be happy with your choice, but they’re not happy anyway, so you might as well be free from the controlling influence and seek a more mature relationship.

Broken ChainsThose who have suffered prolonged exposure to controlling people can lose self-confidence and personal joy unless they learn and develop strong coping skills. If good coping skills are developed, those who have suffered can grow and become better rather than bitter. The pursuit of God, wisdom, and good friends can lead to healing, but this takes time. If possible, it’s best to avoid controlling people altogether; however, don’t be rude if/when you encounter them. The Apostle Paul said, “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom 12:17-18). Be the better person. Treat them with grace and love, even though they do not show it to you. Seek to grow and be more than what they are to you. For coping skills, please see the related articles below. 

Dr. Steven R. Cook

Related Articles:

  1. The Gospel Explained
  2. Twelve Ways to Deal with a Bad Boss  
  3. Free Grace Salvation
  4. Let God Repay Those Who Hurt You  
  5. Alexander the Coppersmith – Dealing With Hurt  
  6. Biblical Self-Talk  
  7. Commitment Love  
  8. Two Kinds of Forgiveness with People  
  9. A Primer on the Doctrine of Separation  
  10. The Characteristics of a Christian Leader 
  11. What Does it Mean to Be a Man? 
  12. Why Believers Show No Grace  
  13. The Value of Suffering  
  14. Mature Christian Love  
  15. Commitment Love
  16. Bible Promises that Strengthen our Faith  
  17. Dealing with Fools  
  18. Choosing Righteous Friends  
  19. Choose a Christian Spouse  
  20. Love your Enemies  

[1] This happened to me back in 2002 when I was pastoring a Southern Baptist Church in Central Texas. The head deacon was disturbed that I did not perform traditional altar calls at the end of the church service (they are not biblical) and argued with me for hours, trying to force me to comply (it was a very unpleasant experience). When I politely refused, he quietly and quickly spread lies within the congregation and engaged in character assassination. After winning over many unsuspecting church members, he inspired a coup d’etat, and within a few days I was unjustly and forcefully voted out of the church. The control-freak won and the church lost its pastor and a third of the members walked out of the morning service. I was deeply hurt by the matter and still bear scars. Over the years I’ve had other—less traumatic—experiences with controlling church leaders.