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Why Rejection Hurts: And How to Deal with It

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Rejecting others and being rejected can be either right or wrong, depending on the motive and manner in which it is carried out. Biblically, there are times when rejection is necessary, such as protecting oneself from unwarranted harm or ungodly influence (Matt 7:6; 1 Cor 15:33). However, rejection becomes wrong when it is rooted in pride, prejudice, or a lack of compassion (Jam 2:1-9). I will address some healthy reasons for rejection at the end of this article, but first, I want to address the pain associated with wrongful rejection and how we can deal with it.

Why Rejection Hurts

Rejection hurts, and there’s a reason for it. When we’re wrongfully rejected, something fundamental to our design feels violated. It’s not just a psychological inconvenience; it’s a disruption of a relational need wired into our humanity. From the very beginning, the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). From a biblical perspective, we understand that people are made in the image of God (Gen 1:27), and God Himself is relational—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in eternal fellowship (John 17:5, 24). When people wrongfully exclude us, ignore us, or turn their backs on us, something deep within us feels the pain. It’s not just a bruised ego—it’s the ache of a heart made for love, fellowship, and acceptance. Acceptance is linked to approval and a sense of belonging or security, especially in relationships that carry authority or influence. Barber notes:

The pain of rejection is very personal. It is also persistent and if not handled properly can have far-reaching effects on our lives. Rejection results from a denial of approval, affection, or recognition by an emotionally significant person or group. If we are unable to cope with our feelings of rejection adequately, they can undermine our sense of worth, corrode our confidence, and give rise to insecurity, helplessness, and frustration.[1]

Isaiah tells us that Jesus “Was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; He was like someone people turned away from; He was despised” (Isa 53:3). The Lord Jesus knows the pain of rejection. Isaiah calls Him “a man of sorrows,” not because He was somber or gloomy, but because He carried the sorrows of a broken world—including the sorrow of being rejected. John tells us that Jesus “came to His own, and they did not receive Him” (John 1:11). By the end of His ministry, Jesus expressed sorrow over those He loved, yet they had rejected Him (Matt 23:37). According to Richards, “Jesus knew the pain of rejection, and the hurt of ridicule. Jesus knew feelings of abandonment and felt the anger of those whose hearts fed on hate. In all this, Jesus suffered.”[2]

Rejection hurts—especially when it comes from someone we admire or respect, like a parent, teacher, or spiritual mentor. When people we look up to affirm us, it strengthens our sense of worth and stability. But when they withhold that affirmation—or worse, turn away—it can shake our confidence and stir up all kinds of emotional turmoil. If we’re not careful, rejection—real or imagined—can lead to resentment, bitterness, and a sinful pattern of self-protection that builds walls instead of bridges. But there’s a better way. Instead of feeding the hurt, we can bring our pain to the Lord and let Him carry the burden. He knows how to heal the wounds no one else sees. By faith, we can choose to respond—not with anger or coldness—but with grace, humility, and love. That’s exactly what Paul did. When everyone deserted him at his first defense (2 Tim 4:16), he didn’t lash out or hold a grudge. He simply said, “May it not be counted against them” (2 Tim 4:16b). That’s similar to the words of Jesus on the cross and Stephen when being stoned (Luke 23:34; Acts 7:60). Grace is stronger than resentment, and love leaves no room for bitterness.

How to Deal with Rejection

Rejection is a difficult part of life, and Christians, though loved and chosen by God, are not immune. Whether it’s personal rejection, ministry opposition, or simply being misunderstood, it can wound deeply. But Scripture provides us with solid, faith-driven ways to respond that are rooted in truth rather than emotion.

First, we must choose to live by faith, not by feelings. Rejection often stirs up emotions of worthlessness, fear, or resentment—but feelings are not reliable indicators of truth. Scripture calls us to “walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor 5:7), and that includes not walking by how we feel. Faith clings to what God has said, not what the world says or how the soul may tremble in the moment. When feelings shout “You’re not enough,” faith calmly replies, “I am accepted in the Beloved” (Eph 1:6). Faith is the key. As Christians, we live in a physical and spiritual realm at the same time. It is a dual reality. The Christian life involves living by faith in unseen realities while navigating a world that often hits hard in visible, physical, and emotionally bruising ways. When we experience human rejection, it happens in the physical world, and the pain is relational, social, emotional, physical, and personal. Rejection is often immediate and sensory, while the approval of God is eternal and spiritual, discerned by faith, and applied through His Word (2 Cor 5:7; Heb 11:1). God’s presence doesn’t always come with visible gestures or audible words. His smile is not on a face we can see—but it is real nonetheless, as communicated in the promises of Scripture.

This is where spiritual maturity finds its footing—not in the absence of pain, but in the resolve to interpret life through the lens of God’s Word rather than feelings or circumstances. The apostle Paul, for example, suffered physical beatings (2 Cor 11:23-28), social slander (2 Cor 6:8), and personal abandonment (2 Tim 4:16), yet he wrote with confidence, “Since God is for us, who is against us?” (Rom 8:31). He did not deny the pain but elevated the truth. God’s Word became more real to him than the chains on his wrists or the pain in his heart. As Christians, we must learn to apply Scripture to our situation, to bring the unseen reality of God’s acceptance and love into the very arena where human rejection stings. It’s a discipline of faith—a spiritual defiance against the tyranny of experience. God does not forget His people (Isa 49:15-16), and He does not fail to smile upon us (Num 6:25).

Second, we must seek the Lord in prayer. Samuel is a good example of someone who felt the sting of rejection, and handled it by means of prayer and divine viewpoint thinking. Samuel was a great leader and judge over Israel, but when he grew older, the elders of Israel gathered and said to him, “Behold, you have grown old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint a king for us to judge us like all the nations” (1 Sam 8:5). This was rejection, plain and simple—and it hurt. The text tells us, “But the thing was displeasing in the sight of Samuel” (1 Sam 8:6a). Yet Samuel acted wisely, as a mature believer, for we are told, “Samuel prayed to the LORD” (1 Sam 8:6b). Here is wisdom. God revealed to Samuel that the people’s rejection was not directed at him, but ultimately at the Lord, who told him, “They have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me from being king over them” (1 Sam 8:7). Barber notes, “This new perspective took the sting out of what had happened and kept Samuel from nursing a grievance. God’s words reassured him of his standing before Him.”[3] Prayer allowed Samuel to bring his burden before the Lord and to cast his cares upon Him (1 Pet 5:6-7). This enabled Samuel to process the situation, address the injustice, and express his emotions honestly in the Lord’s presence. Rather than stew in anger, he entrusted the matter to God—and the Lord handled it. Even when others reject us, God remains. He has promised, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you” (Heb 13:5). The Lord walks with us, and He is for us (Rom 8:31).

Third, view rejection as an opportunity for spiritual growth. James tells us to “consider it all joy” when we encounter trials, for they produce endurance and maturity (Jas 1:2-4). Rejection can deepen our dependence on the Lord, refine our character, and focus our priorities. Paul wrote, “we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope” (Rom 5:3-4). This kind of response is done by faith and not feelings, as we frame the suffering—whether rejection or something else—from the divine perspective as something useful to the Lord to develop and shape us into the people He wants us to be. God wants us to grow up, not just grow old, and the trials of life are sometimes used as His vehicle to bring us where He wants, so that we are better and not bitter.

Fourth, we must respond with grace rather than bitterness. When others insult us, ignore us, or mistreat us, the natural response is to strike back, sulk, or stew in silent anger. But Jesus calls us to something higher, saying, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28). That’s not weakness—it’s the strength of grace. When we bless instead of blast, when we pray instead of plot, we’re walking in the footsteps of our Savior. Peter reminds us that even when Jesus was unjustly treated, “He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Pet 2:23). Jesus didn’t need to defend Himself because He had already placed Himself in the care of the One who judges all things justly. This should be our pattern. When we’re wronged, we don’t have to carry the gavel—we can leave the judgment to God. Our part is to guard our hearts from the slow poison of bitterness. When we choose grace over a grudge, it not only honors the Lord, it keeps us free from the weight of anger, the burden of revenge, and the trap of self-pity. Anyone can return insult for insult, but only Spirit-filled believers can return good for evil (Rom 12:21). This honors the Lord and keeps our hearts free from the corrosion of resentment.

When Rejection is Valid

Rejection, at times, is not only valid, but deserved. If we’re living unwisely, acting like fools, stirring up strife, or harming others—whether through words, actions, or attitudes—it should come as no surprise when people take a few steps back. And honestly, they should. God has not called us to be victims of our own bad decisions, nor has He asked others to applaud our folly (Prov 14:7; 22:10). When people set healthy boundaries to guard their own spiritual, emotional, or even physical well-being from our arrogance or recklessness, they’re not being mean—they’re being wise (Prov 13:20; 27:12). Grace does not mean enabling sin, and love does not mean tolerating abuse. There’s a time to walk with someone—and a time to walk away (Eccl 3:5b).

There are times when rejection is not about someone else’s selfishness, but about our own need for correction. If we gossip, manipulate, lash out, or drain others with constant negativity or entitlement, it’s wisdom—not cruelty—when someone says, “No more.” That’s not rejection rooted in hatred or pride; it’s discernment born out of a love for peace and righteousness (Prov 22:10). Sometimes the wisest thing someone can do is step away. And we need to be mature enough to recognize that not all rejection is persecution. Some of it is wise preservation.

Personally, when I have been foolish (which has been many times), God has used rejection as a corrective tool to help shape my character, prune my pride, and teach me the value of humility, wisdom, and relational integrity. There have been numerous occasions where I’ve had to humble myself, admit my folly to others, accept the consequences of my actions, and seek forgiveness and restoration. That realization—painful as it is—can open the door to real change and healthier relationships.

In conclusion, rejection is painful, but it’s not purposeless. Whether it comes from others unjustly or results from our own folly, God can use it to teach, correct, and mature us. The key is how we respond. When we bring our wounds to the Lord, walk by faith in His Word, and choose grace over bitterness, rejection becomes a refining fire—not a consuming one. In God’s hands, even rejection can become transformative.

Dr. Steven R. Cook

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[1] Cyril J. Barber, The Books of Samuel: The Sovereignty of God Illustrated in the Lives of Samuel, Saul, and David, vol. One (Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock Publishers, 2003), 99.

[2] Lawrence O. Richards, The Teacher’s Commentary (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1987), 1032.

[3] Cyril J. Barber, The Books of Samuel, 103.

Characteristics of a Controlling Personality

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Generally, controlling people are self-absorbed and insensitive toward others. They push to get their own way and manipulate circumstances and people to achieve their own agendas. They care mainly about themselves and see others as a means to an end. When feeling threatened, they may resort to unethical behavior to destroy their opponents. They do not understand or appreciate freedom and grace. 

Controlling PersonControlling others involves breaking them down, destroying their self-worth, and degrading them psychologically and emotionally, sometimes even resorting to social and physical abuse. In many cases, controlling individuals lack the capacity to enjoy a mature, loving relationship because their thoughts are consumed with self, and they do not know how to love sacrificially for the benefit of others. They do not know how to love graciously, freely, with an open hand, expecting nothing in return. They give only to get. They may use the word “love,” but it’s only as a means to an end, to serve their own selfish programs and not the well-being of others. People are seen as objects to be manipulated, not individuals to be loved.

These are my observations as I’ve dealt with controlling people over the years. A controlling person can be male or female, religious or irreligious, old or young, rich or poor, educated or uneducated, and belong to any ethnic group. A controlling person may fit some or all of characteristics below. I’ve modified the list a few times, and may make corrections in the future. 

  1. The controlling personalities operate primarily from a base of power, not reason. This first point is very important to understand, for what follows is based on it. Often, we don’t understand the reasoning behind controlling persons’ behavior, when in fact, there is no consistent reason, because reason is not the base of operations; power is. Reason is employed as it benefits them and advances their power. Remember: rational words only work with rational minds, and the controlling personality is not always rational.
  2. Controlling people often like positions of authority (politician, professor, doctor, CEO, pastor, etc.). Being in control of others makes them feel important, powerful, and secure (authority is legitimate, but arrogant people abuse their authority and hurt the innocent). The problem with arrogant people is that they rarely see their own faults, but only the faults of others. Their hubris prevents them from being open to genuine discussion about change. Humble people do not abuse their positions of authority, but see themselves as servant-leaders, open to discussion, correction, and willing to make sacrifices for others (Phil 2:3-4).
  3. Controlling people often will try to destroy your confidence through subtle criticisms that keep you on the defensive, making you feel self-conscious all the time and walking on eggshells. The gradual chipping away at your self-esteem leaves you deflated, feeling insignificant, and eventually makes you feel like you have no value at all (criticism can be valid if it is followed with loving correction that builds the other person up). Scripture teaches we are to encourage one another (1 Th 5:11, 14; Heb 3:13) and build each other up (Rom 14:19), but controlling people prefer only destructive criticism.
  4. Controlling people will sometimes recruit others to help coerce or control you. Sometimes these other people are unsuspecting participants and may not know they are being used to cause harm.[1]
  5. Controlling people will sometimes use your past, or even your weaknesses, against you. This is unfortunate because in any relationship there must be trust, and this means sharing things about your past and perhaps areas where you may struggle. Controlling people will exploit these areas to their own advantage, either to keep you in their grip or to assassinate your character with others.
  6. Controlling individuals, such as bosses, may use ignoring or avoiding tactics to push others away or drive them to quit. By deliberately disregarding attempts to communicate or completely avoiding interactions, they create a sense of frustration and helplessness in their targets. This intentional neglect can make the affected person feel undervalued or insignificant, leading them to withdraw or abandon their efforts. These strategies not only reinforce the controller’s dominance but also manipulate the victim into conforming to their desired outcome, whether it’s stepping back from a relationship, a project, or a specific action.
  7. If threatened, controlling people will at times seek to cut off your friends (isolate you) or try to discredit or destroy your reputation in order to keep you under their controlling influence. The general rule is: what they cannot control, they will seek to destroy (psychologically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and in some cases physically).
  8. Controlling people are often concerned with their own appearance and with the appearance of those within their grip. This helps them try to control the perception of others beyond their grasp (it’s good to be well dressed, but the emphasis should be on loving character more than appearance).
  9. Controlling people sometimes want to associate with important individuals because this adds to their own image of importance. Relationships are a means to an end, and this should always be kept in mind (sometimes we will know socially important people, but it’s wrong to flaunt our relationships with them for personal gain).
  10. Controlling people will rarely admit they are wrong, even when evidence is provided. This is important because arguing becomes an exercise in futility and frustration (humble individuals will readily admit their faults and be open to loving correction).
  11. Controlling people rarely change (since this requires humility), so it’s better to quietly leave the relationship if possible (especially if you’re in danger of harm). When leaving a controlling relationship, don’t worry about explaining yourself, as they will most likely not understand your words or actions. They will not be happy with your choice, but they’re not happy anyway, so you might as well be free from the controlling influence and seek a more mature relationship.

Broken ChainsThose who have suffered prolonged exposure to controlling people can lose self-confidence and personal joy unless they learn and develop strong coping skills. If good coping skills are developed, those who have suffered can grow and become better rather than bitter. The pursuit of God, wisdom, and good friends can lead to healing, but this takes time. If possible, it’s best to avoid controlling people altogether; however, don’t be rude if/when you encounter them. The Apostle Paul said, “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom 12:17-18). Be the better person. Treat them with grace and love, even though they do not show it to you. Seek to grow and be more than what they are to you. For coping skills, please see the related articles below. 

Dr. Steven R. Cook

Related Articles:

  1. The Gospel Explained
  2. Twelve Ways to Deal with a Bad Boss  
  3. Free Grace Salvation
  4. Let God Repay Those Who Hurt You  
  5. Alexander the Coppersmith – Dealing With Hurt  
  6. Biblical Self-Talk  
  7. Commitment Love  
  8. Two Kinds of Forgiveness with People  
  9. A Primer on the Doctrine of Separation  
  10. The Characteristics of a Christian Leader 
  11. What Does it Mean to Be a Man? 
  12. Why Believers Show No Grace  
  13. The Value of Suffering  
  14. Mature Christian Love  
  15. Commitment Love
  16. Bible Promises that Strengthen our Faith  
  17. Dealing with Fools  
  18. Choosing Righteous Friends  
  19. Choose a Christian Spouse  
  20. Love your Enemies  

[1] This happened to me back in 2002 when I was pastoring a Southern Baptist Church in Central Texas. The head deacon was disturbed that I did not perform traditional altar calls at the end of the church service (they are not biblical) and argued with me for hours, trying to force me to comply (it was a very unpleasant experience). When I politely refused, he quietly and quickly spread lies within the congregation and engaged in character assassination. After winning over many unsuspecting church members, he inspired a coup d’etat, and within a few days I was unjustly and forcefully voted out of the church. The control-freak won and the church lost its pastor and a third of the members walked out of the morning service. I was deeply hurt by the matter and still bear scars. Over the years I’ve had other—less traumatic—experiences with controlling church leaders. 

Suffering and Depression

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A Man Marked by Depression     It was early January and I was dining after dark with friends when I heard faint cries coming from outside. Standing and looking out a nearby window, I saw a young man who looked to be in his early twenties, stagger down the sidewalk and collapse about ten feet from the building. I rushed outside and knelt on the ground next to him while others inside called for medical help (which took about five minutes to arrive). He lay on the cold asphalt, shivering and sobbing, and appeared to be more in emotional distress than physical pain. He looked at me, a total stranger, and through his tears said he was on the verge of losing his girlfriend and newborn baby and that his life had been ruined by bad choices and the use of cocaine and other drugs. After saying these things, he turned his head and cried uncontrollably. His life had not always been marked by bad choices. Phantom memories surfaced and he spoke of a Christian childhood when Christ was Lord of his life. Somewhere in his teenage years he had turned away from the Lord and the suffering of bad choices and worldly friends helped bring about his present sorrow. I put my hand on his shoulder and prayed quietly. He cried out to the Lord, and not knowing what to say, he started praying the Lord’s Prayer: “Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy name…” (Matt 6:9, KJV). I verbally joined him in his prayer so that he would not feel alone, but would know he was in the presence of a caring Christian. He heard me praying with him, and through teary eyes stared for a moment. For a brief instant we connected, but a minute later an ambulance pulled into the parking lot and I was moved aside so medical professionals could perform their necessary service. The young man called out to me as he was put on the stretcher and placed in the ambulance and I could only watch and pray for him as he was taken away. I never saw him again, though I’ve prayed for him many times.

I was marked by that brief encounter. That young man was at a place of personal brokenness when the paths of our lives crossed. It mattered little to me that much of his pain was self-induced, but only that he was crying out to the Lord for help. To turn away from him at such a moment would betray a spiritual poverty and sickness within my own soul. More so, it would ignore the sovereign hand of God who creates such opportunities for us to show grace and love to others. A year earlier I was in a similar place of personal brokenness, for my life had been ruined by many bad choices and I knew what it meant to have others praying for me and showing grace and love when I needed it most.

Suffering on Job     Looking into Scripture, we find great examples of suffering. Job and Jeremiah were two men who suffered greatly. Both were sensitive men who knew depression as a result of their suffering, and as we read about their lives we can cry with them. In the midst of his sadness Job said, “why then hast Thou brought me out of the womb? Would that I had died and no eye had seen me! I should have been as though I had not been, carried from womb to tomb” (Job 10:18-19). Because of his sorrow, Job saw his life as a “land of darkness and deep shadow; the land of utter gloom as darkness itself, of deep shadow without order” (Job 10:21-22a). During his time of sadness, the prophet Jeremiah wished that his “mother would have been [his] grave, and her womb ever pregnant” and in his great anguish went on to ask, “why did I ever come forth from the womb to look on trouble and sorrow, so that my days have been spent in shame?” (Jer 20:17-18). 

     What shall we say to Job and Jeremiah? Shall we ask them to be silent and not use such language because it makes us feel uncomfortable? Shall we be callous and accuse them of hidden sin or not having enough faith? Shall we fault them because they are not expressing joy in the midst of their sorrow? There is a joy to be had in life, but let’s not rob these godly men of their sorrow, or turn away from them for expressing themselves with such grief-laden language because it makes us feel uncomfortable. Let’s not turn away from them for at least two reasons:

  1. Because their response to suffering reveals their humanness. Job and Jeremiah were real people living in a real world who were touched by real circumstances. Though most of us will never know the depth of suffering and sorrow that Job and Jeremiah knew in their lifetime, we can identify with their pain and cry with them because we understand in a smaller way what it means to suffer, and this is our connection with them. Suffering connects us all together.
  2. Because despair was not their only perspective on life. Job and Jeremiah also had the divine perspective on life and at times spoke words of truth and hope, and this gives us truth and hope as well. Though they suffered in the furnace of affliction, they proved God and His Word to be reliable and more than sufficient to sustain them. During and after their time of suffering they spoke words of praise to the One in whom they had placed all their confidence. Worshipping God as the One who sustains and gives us hope in the midst of our trials is what binds us together with other believers, even those who lived long ago in a foreign land and who spoke a different language. God and His Word connect believers together.

     Job was a righteous man who loved the Lord and turned away from evil (Job 1:1-5). In one day, Job was confronted with the sudden death of all his sons and daughters, the destruction of his business, and the loss of his personal health (Job 1:6-19; 2:1-8). Though he could have cursed God as his wife suggested (Job 2:9), Job kept his faith and continued to trust the Lord (Job 1:20-22; 2:10). In the midst of grief Job said, “As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the earth. Even after my skin is destroyed, yet from my flesh I shall see God; whom I myself shall behold, and whom my eyes shall see and not another. My heart faints within me.” (Job 19:25-27)

     Jeremiah had witnessed the destruction of Jerusalem by Nebuchadnezzar and his Babylonian army. The city had been burned, tens of thousands of men and woman put to death, and many taken away into slavery to Babylon as Jeremiah watched. One can see why he is often referred to as the weeping prophet (cf. Jer 9:1; 13:17; 14:17). Yet, even after witnessing Jerusalem’s destruction and enduring personal persecution, Jeremiah stated, “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The LORD’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness. ‘The LORD is my portion,’ says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him.” (Lam 3:21-24)

Jesus, a Man of sorrows     Other men in Scripture such as David, Elijah, Peter and Paul all knew suffering and sorrow, yet expressed words of hope and faith in God. Of course, no one knew suffering more than the Lord Jesus Christ, who throughout His life was “despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isa 53:3). During the time of His public ministry, Jesus knew He would suffer and die upon the cross, and He declared, “the Son of Man must suffer many things, and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised up on the third day” (Luke 9:22). And just hours before His crucifixion, Jesus “began to be grieved and distressed” (Matt 26:37), telling a few of His disciples, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death” (Matt 26:38). In spite of His personal pain, Jesus was willing to suffer and die for the benefit of the salvation of others. The Scripture declares that “as a result of the anguish of His soul, He will see it and be satisfied; by His knowledge the Righteous One, My Servant, will justify the many, as He will bear their iniquities” (Isa 53:11). The death of Christ had meaning, because God’s righteousness was satisfied and others were blessed to enjoy the gift of eternal life (Rom 3:21-26). 

     Suffering touches us all. It moves and shapes us in ways we never imagine. It breaks us down and builds us up, but it never leaves us where it finds us. In Scripture we learn that God’s power is magnified in our weaknesses and that suffering reveals our true state as weak creatures who need the Lord in our lives for strength and guidance (2 Cor 12:7-10). As we develop spiritually, we learn to keep our eyes more and more on heaven, knowing that ultimate relief from suffering will only come when the Lord returns and establishes righteousness on the earth (Rev 20-22). There is much Scripture on the subject of suffering and there is hope and strength in God for those who turn to Him in the midst of life’s sorrows.

Dr. Steven R. Cook